Passion, Purpose, and the Journey

Last week I attended an amazing event called Leading Moms. This was a day full of inspiring speakers who were leading lives full of passion and purpose. As I listened to their stories, often with tears in my eyes, I was struck by two observations. First, each woman was living a life of service to others. Second, each woman had started with the same question: "Why isn't there ______?" They had found the place where their passion intersected with an unmet need in the world. And although I have known for a long time that to find my path would mean finding that overlap between my passions and a great need in the world, it is only recently, after many years of searching and feeling very lost, that I have found what that means for me.

I declared my purpose in life to the universe a long time ago. I said that I want to be a beacon of light, inspiring others. I have tried to live this way, whatever I was doing in my life. Since declaring that purpose I have been through many transitions, from singer/songwriter with an office day job, to stay at home mom, to artist. And I have tried to live that purpose through all of them, from singing on stage to mothering, to community building, kindness missions and creating art. But in this last year I feel like I have come into my purpose in a much more defined way. Maybe it's turning 40. I feel like 40 is just so incredibly freeing. 40 is knowing who you are, and not constantly doubting yourself, and just being able to stand in your truth in a big way. At least that is what it feels like for me. 

 

I spent 3 years sketching Princess Monsters and saying to myself "One day I will make an alphabet book out of these characters." And then "one day" finally came, and I knew I was ready. It was time. This was the place for me where I felt an unmet need in the world. Why was there no place for girls to be monsters? Why were all the monster characters out there for boys? What I saw was a place for girls to be whoever they wanted to be, a place to re-define femininity. A place for the tomboys and nerds and shy girls and just plain weirdos. A place for all the others. I was an other growing up. I was so far into the other category I literally thought that people could tell just by looking at me that I was different. To this day, even when I am in my home surrounded by my closest friends, I still have moments where I feel so distinctly my other-ness that it aches. And so I created a book full of weirdos for all those kids who don't fit in. And putting this out into the world felt like such a big YES. It felt like finding the place where I belonged for good. Like I can finally stand in my other-ness and own it. And it gave me the strength to tackle a long-held dream that I hadn't ever really allowed myself to fully admit I wanted.

You see, the reason I felt like an other is that I was molested at age 10. And that completely changed the entire course of my life. I have lived with the after-effects of that trauma my whole life. I have sought counseling, read books, meditated, done yoga. I have done everything I could to heal whatever I could and to become more aware of those things that never really do heal. But when I became a parent I discovered a whole new level of healing that needed to happen around my abuse history. In addition to my sexual abuse, there were other issues coming up for me around the highly dysfunctional family that I grew up in. I felt lost in a very large ocean with no anchor point. How could I manage being a parent when I had no positive role models to look up to? How could I cope when the inevitable stresses of parenthood triggered my abuse history? And who could I talk to about all of this? Because no one was talking about this. In a bookstore full of parenting books, there was not a single book for parents who were abuse survivors. 

Right now I am in the middle of launching Princess Monsters from A to Z and any person in their right mind would tell me that now is not the time to start on another major project, but sometimes the universe has other ideas for you. On September 17 I read this article by Dawn Daum about raising a girl as a survivor of sexual abuse. And it was the first time I had read something that a fellow survivor had written about this topic. One line that Dawn wrote kept going around in my head, because I had thought it myself so many times before:

After my failed search for stories on what it’s like to live and experience motherhood as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I was reminded how quiet survivors are. I know the role that shame has in keeping it that way, but a discussion on the effects of the abuse that resurface, or suddenly arise, when we become mothers is something we need to talk about. - See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/raising-a-girl/#sthash.KXuQcEJN.dpuf

"After my failed search for stories on what it’s like to live and experience motherhood as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I was reminded how quiet survivors are. I know the role that shame has in keeping it that way, but a discussion on the effects of the abuse that resurface, or suddenly arise, when we become mothers is something we need to talk about."

Finally, here was someone saying out loud what I had been thinking for years. I felt this pull on my heart that would not let go. My body was literally vibrating. And so the next morning I got up and I sent Dawn a message. Feeling a bit like a crazy person, I followed my heart and asked her this:

"I know that my life is busy, and you probably have a crazy busy life too. But this idea is calling to my heart, to create a collection of our stories, so that other survivors won't feel alone. I know you don't know me at all, but I am going to ask you a crazy question. Would you be willing to create an anthology with me?"

And you know what? She said yes. She said YES!!!!! Some crazy woman in another country on the opposite coast asked if she wanted to take on a massive project and she jumped right in with both feet. Now that is faith. That is passion and purpose in this world. And this is my dream, happening right now. To shine a beacon of light to other survivors out there in this crazy ocean of parenthood. To let them know they are not alone. To share our struggles and our triumphs as we work to break the cycle of abuse.

One of the speakers at Leading Moms was the amazing Marnie Goldenberg of Sexplainer. Marnie does great work around helping parents educate their kids about sex. But I had to get up and leave during her talk because it was so triggering for me that I was going to start ugly crying in a room full of strangers. These are the kind of moments, the trigger points that survivors face all the time. So Dawn and I are calling our anthology Trigger Points: Abuse Survivors Experiences of Parenting. We are officially opening the call for submissions today on our Facebook page. If you know of someone who might be willing to submit their personal essay to the anthology, please pass this information along.

I believe that art is where we transform our greatest wounds into beautiful gifts to the world. That through art we can create the most amazing alchemy of the spirit. And I know that I have found a place of great need where I can use my creative passion to be of service, to shine a light. And despite the long and winding road that has led to this point in my life, I am so grateful to be here now.

P.S. My co-editor Dawn is also writing this morning on her blog about why she has taken on this project. Check out her blog here.

After my failed search for stories on what it’s like to live and experience motherhood as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I was reminded how quiet survivors are. I know the role that shame has in keeping it that way, but a discussion on the effects of the abuse that resurface, or suddenly arise, when we become mothers is something we need to talk about. - See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/raising-a-girl/#sthash.KXuQcEJN.dpuf

After my failed search for stories on what it’s like to live and experience motherhood as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I was reminded how quiet survivors are. I know the role that shame has in keeping it that way, but a discussion on the effects of the abuse that resurface, or suddenly arise, when we become mothers is something we need to talk about. - See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/raising-a-girl/#sthash.KXuQcEJN.dpuf